Chapter 47 - He's Baaack - Part 2 of 3

Kaitlin sat numbly on the bar stool watching Shea make coffee in her beautiful state of the art kitchen and worried about Leroy having to testify without her there. She couldn't even think about Newt or the walls would close in again. She needed to stay present. He would be here to get her when it was over.

Shea brought them both a cup and sat down next to her at the bar. “How are you feeling?” asked Shea as they both sipped the hot coffee.

“Terrified that Newt saw me and horrible that I left Leroy by himself,” said Kaitlin as that old familiar feeling of guilt washed over her again.

“Leroy’s a big boy Kaitlin, he will be fine,” said Shea gently.

Yes. He was much stronger than her. She was surprised he didn't charge Newt when he saw him, but then she didn’t really remember what happened after she hid behind Leroy.  Dr. Shea seemed super calm too so nothing must have happened. But she was a doctor right, she should be calm - but Leroy wasn't. Kaitlin couldn’t make sense of it.

As she sat there sipping her coffee letting it warm her, suddenly it occurred to her why. She looked up at Dr. Shea and dared her to lie. “Leroy knew didn't he? He knew Newt was here! Wait...you both knew. He said you had been there a few times! This obviously wasn't the first time he had been at Reid's trial! That's why he didn't want me there. He knew!” She only knew she was crying when her cheeks felt wet and quickly swiped at them.

Shea visibly winced at Kaitlin's accusations before replying. “It wasn't my place to tell you.”

So it was true!  thought Kaitlin. She couldn't sit there any longer and got up. “I need to go home. Now,” said Kaitlin barely holding herself together and trying to breathe deeply. She couldn't lose it in the home of the traitor.


“Are you sure you want to be alone?” asked Shea with real concern in her voice.

“No," she sniffed, "But I certainly don't want to be here with you,” said Kaitlin venom lacing her words, “I  trusted you,” she added as her voice cracked with emotion and she pointed her finger at her for emphasis. Then she could no longer hold back and the dam burst.

Shea reached out to comfort Kaitlin, but Kaitlin shrugged her off. "Don't touch me!" she snapped. She didn't want her pity.

While Dr. Shea stood there in silence, Kaitlin struggled to get control of her emotions using the very breathing exercises that the traitor had taught her.

“Kaitlin, it was wrong. I’m sorry," said Dr. Shea in her therapist voice, "Leroy didn't want to upset you. Please don't be angry with him.”

Angry? thought Kaitlin, I'm not angry, I'm furious! She hadn't been this mad in a very long time. You bet she was angry. With Leroy and Dr. Shea too. She had every right to be. Yes, she had issues, but she was working through them. If they wouldn't have lied to her and she had been prepared to see Newt, maybe she wouldn't have panicked or maybe she wouldn't even have gone. But they took that decision out of her hands by not telling her.

What else are they keeping from me? With that last thought, the darkness started to close in again. No, not now! thought Kaitlin, I can't lose it, not again. Not here in front of Dr. Shea. She had to stay strong. She had to fight it.

Kaitlin began to breathe deeply. Stay here, she told herself. Stay present. Finally, the darkness faded. When she had her control back, Dr. Shea was smiling. What the hell? 

Kaitlin was madder than before. “Is this all fun and games for you - Dr. Shea? Laugh at the crazy lady?” she spat out.

“No Kaitlin,” she said still smiling, “I am so proud of you. You are mad as hell and you are still present with me letting yourself feel your anger and process it. I have been watching you take control over and over each time you felt yourself panicking. You aren't apologizing for your actions and you want to lay into Leroy - and me - so bad you can taste it. Yes, you left for awhile when you saw your husband, but it was a huge shock and you needed to run away. Totally understandable. But now that you have acknowledged what happened, you are here. And stronger. Am I wrong?”

“So this was some kind of perverted test to see if I could handle it? You are sick. Well I didn't handle it did I? I failed and the darkness took me. This is supposed to be good? It doesn't feel good,” growled out Kaitlin.

“No. Of course it wasn't a test. And I'm sure it feels horrible,” said Shea sympathetically, “You were hurt by someone you love and trust. But you aren't trying to make it your fault. You are appropriately placing blame. That is progress Kaitlin. A lot of progress, you should be proud of yourself. These things are going to happen from time to time and you are learning to stay present and deal with it. Tell me, when you told Leroy you wanted to come with him to the trial, what did he say?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” she asked skeptical of  Dr. Shea's motives.


“Please, just humor me for a minute. What did he say Kaitlin?”

Kaitlin was so done with Dr. Shea, but she was stuck here with no car so she decided to answer. She looked at Dr. Shea with a bored expression before answering. “He said 'No', but you already knew that didn't you?”

“Right,” replied Shea, “And you did't back down. You went anyway. Now think back a year ago, or even 6 months ago. What would you have said if you wanted to go and he was just as adamant that you stay home. Would you have argued or backed down? Be honest with yourself Kaitlin.”

Kaitlin was taken by surprise at her question. What was happening 6 months ago? Hailey was already born, Leroy was a part of her life but she was afraid still. Hell, she was afraid now. But she was ready to fight back. Then she wanted to make everything okay.


Dr. Shea let her work out the answer for a few minutes before speaking again. “It looks like you have your answer Kaitlin. I can see it on your face. See how far you have come?”

“I'm still pissed at both of you!” said Kaitlin defiantly crossing her arms. Then she inwardly cringed. She sounded like a petulant child.

Dr. Shea didn't laugh at her or belittle her. Instead she said, “And you should be. I want apologize for my part in this. I should have told you. I guess, at this point being a friend and your therapist are at odds with each other more than even I thought they might be. I am trying to be professional, but I messed up and I apologize for that. If you want the name of a new therapist, I am happy to recommend someone.”

That gave Kaitlin pause. She didn't want another therapist, and she wasn't 'friends' with Dr. Shea. Leroy was. But now she didn't know if she could feel as open with Dr. Shea as she had been. Then she remembered what Leroy told her about Reid and Dr. Shea. Instead of answering her she lifted her chin and said, “Tell me about Reid.”

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