Chapter 44 - Happy Birthday Part 1 of 3

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The weeks flew by and Kaitlin had seen Dr. Shea (Shea felt too personal) a couple of more times and so far had not had any additional attacks. Of course since Leroy understood better that he was inadvertently causing them, Kaitlin felt like he had become even more measured in his tone and topics of conversation and that made her sad. She felt like she was pushing him away and that wasn’t what she wanted to do.

The first thing they had talked about was what had happened in the waiting room. Dr. Shea helped Kaitlin understand what had ”triggered” her panic attack.

Evidently, Kaitlin had seen Shea as a threat similar to the gorgeous and successful women that Newt would blatantly hit on when they were at business parties and functions, which made her feel like a dumpy housewife and not worthy of Newt's affections. Shea and Leroy’s closeness brought out those old feelings of insecurity and fear that she had pushed deep down when she ran. When they rushed to the surface she wasn't equipped to deal with them.

During today’s session, Dr. Shea asked Kaitlin if she was ready to have Leroy join them. “It would help you both,” she said. When Kaitlin only nodded her head in resigned agreement, Dr. Shea added, “I can tell you would rather not. How does it make you feel when you ask him for help?”


Kaitlin began to cry silently and Dr. Shea pushed the tissues to her. “I'm afraid of breaking him,” squeaked out Kaitlin.

“Can you explain what ‘breaking him’ means to you?”

“I broke Newt. He wasn't always violent. But I trapped him into a life he didn’t want and I was never good enough for him. He finally broke and became violent. I don't want to hurt Leroy like I did Newt. I’m afraid of making him angry and I do so much that makes him get mad.”

Dr. Shea sat down next to Kaitlin. “Okay. Let's stop there Kaitlin,” she said sternly but softly, “you have to begin to understand and accept that you did not cause Newt to become violent. You didn't ‘break’ him as you put it. It was a choice he made…”

Kaitlin shook her head. She didn't understand so Kaitlin put up her hand to stop her.

“Let me finish,” said Shea gently, “You need to hear this Kaitlin. Not every couple that argues becomes violent with one another. Now, can I tell you what drove him to that? Not precisely, but it most certainly wasn’t you, but more likely a feeling of entitlement, that he had to be in control and hitting you made you subservient to him. It gave him power that maybe he felt he didn't have but deserved. Honey, it’s like an addiction - a power rush of sorts. Tell me, did he attempt to control you in other ways before that? Verbally, calling you names, using you for sex?”

Kaitlin looked down at the wadded up tissue in her hands and sadly nodded her head.

“I'm sorry to be so blunt, but in order to heal, you have to stop blaming yourself. I want you to do something for me. Take a deep breath and close your eyes. I want you to think about Leroy now….”

Kaitlin relaxed thinking about Leroy and Dr. Shea smiled and said quietly. “Oh...you do love him. I can see it in your body language. Keep your eyes closed for me and relax. Now Kaitlin, thinking about Leroy, does he try to control you? Has he ever tried to take advantage of you or been anything but respectful towards you?”

Fresh tears started to leak from under her closed eyes as Kaitlin shook her head no to all of Shea’s questions. She murmured quietly, “I don't deserve him.”

“It's okay Kaitlin. Stay focused and keep your eyes closed please. That's good. Now imagine a time when he was angry. Now, tell me about the argument.”

Kaitlin didn't want to think about him getting mad at her so she shook her head harder.

“It's okay Kaitlin, relax. Nothing bad will happen. Tell me about it. What were you talking about?”

“Reid...they are trying to get evidence against him.”

“Why did you argue about that?”

“Because it’s my fault. I brought Reid into our lives and he is causing problems for Leroy,”

“And Leroy got angry why?”

“Leroy got mad because I wasn't happy that they may have found evidence against Reid that could send him to prison.”

“Then what happened Kaitlin - did Leroy threaten you or hurt you?”

“No. He raised his voice and asked what was wrong with me that I wasn’t happy about it.”

“And then what happened?”

“I got confused. Newt was there, but then he wasn't and Leroy was holding me close.”

“You thought Leroy was Newt when he got angry?”

“It was him, but then it wasn’t.”

Dr. Shea gently touched Kaitlin's arm. “Kaitlin, you can open your eyes now,” she said soothingly, “That's enough for today. Try to remember, Leroy didn’t hurt you. In fact he comforted you instead even though he was angry with you.

I want you to think about what I told you about not breaking Newt. He was already broken long before you came into his life. He made the choice to strike out and he will have to make the choice to stop. Newt is not your fault. Let that be your mantra. I want you to work on letting that go. Don’t give him that power over you.”

“But why…”

“We can talk about that more next time,” then she paused for a second and asked, “Kaitlin, can I tell you something - friend to friend?”

Friend to friend? I guess she is Leroy’s friend but does that make her mine? thought Kaitlin. "Umm, I guess so,” she answered as she stood up to leave.

Dr. Shea stood up and smiled apologetically. “Kaitlin I have known Leroy for a long time and the only way you would break him is if you left him. He would have a broken heart a mile wide but he still wouldn't become Newt. That man adores you. When he gives himself, he doesn't hold back. I promise you. I know. And he has given himself to you. He is very lucky to have a strong woman like you to love him back as fiercely as you do.”

Kaitlin swallowed hard before replying. “So, how do I stop upsetting him?”

“You don’t. Being upset with your partner from time to time is normal Kaitlin. You will be upset with him too on occasion.  And it is okay to be upset and argue about differing opinions. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love and respect you or that he will strike out at you or your children or even leave you.

Now, remember what I said to work on this week. Newt is not your fault. Oh - and Happy Birthday tomorrow! Are you doing anything special? ”

“Thanks Dr. Shea, and yes actually. Leroy is taking me out," replied Kaitlin then smiled and added, “He said it’s a surprise. Guess I can tell you about it next week."

Kaitlin walked out thinking about what Dr. Shea said about Leroy ‘friend to friend’. How does she know he doesn't 'hold back'. Were they lovers in high school and she left him when he got in trouble? He touched her so intimately. They had to have been close. But she didn't seem jealous and she IS married. But then that never bothered Newt. No. She stopped herself. She didn’t want to think about Newt. At. All. Nope. Newt wasn’t happening. That was the past and tomorrow was her birthday and she was going to spend it with the man she loves.

Go to Chapter 44 - Part 2 of 3

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